Darkness rose in front of my eyes… but I wasn’t afraid.
At this very moment, I’m sitting alone in the biggest room of our Church/Studio, except for the dim light right above my head, it’s dark around me … In this humongous sanctuary, my space feels as small as a bubble as I have my headphones on, surrounding my mind with the rough cut of the new song we have been working on this week… I’m absorbed completely by the music, my soul beats with the drums, my blood flows with the guitar melodies, my head dances with the bass, my fingers are writing this blog as I would play on my synths and organs… so peaceful…nothing can come between the music, this blog, you and I… until Ben jumps beside me and scares the hell out of me!lol… he’s a champion at that…I hate that! lol but I love him…so I guess it evens out.
We have completed the song I had written about in my previous blogs. Above the high satisfaction and pride to hear the final result of the recording, I feel like I touched something new in my life. You remember how I desired to join the guys in quite an unusual journey to explore our own darkness, to dig in and face the ugly, the evil, the perfidy, the nasty, the sordid, the vile, the despicable… With tears, I agreed to expose my heart in a true desire to find more honesty for my life. Surprisingly we didn’t talk anymore about making that journey, instead we restlessly immersed ourselves in the song. The spirit in the studio was super positive, it was so light and each of the guys were very caring for one another, the darkness was not there…not in the atmosphere, not in the relationships. The music we were looking for was coming to us with grace, not that it was “easy” but as we were digging, we were finding and even surprised with happy accidents, the darkness wasn’t there… not in the technical issues or the skills of the musicians. Darkness rose in front of my eyes as I was surrounded by passionate musicians, as I was living my dream, as we were writing an amazing song, darkness was a soft voice so familiar that I didn’t even realize immediately that it was creeping from the depths of my heart emerging in my mind. I caught myself thinking the most horrible things…thoughts of betrayal… resentment of old and long time forgiven grudges…jealousy and plans to reject… to hurt…thoughts of self-destruction…Darkness rose in front of my eyes, but I wasn’t afraid, because now I had a chance to deal with it.
How in the world did these awful thoughts come to life and make their way into my brain??? The answer is clear but not so pleasant: they were either dormant or very alive already inside of me, imperceptible mumblings, crawling roots of half cut poisonous plants seeded in a soil of wounds and watered by fears. They were already there ready to take the front-stage as soon as I left faith, love and hope aside. This time though, I saw them backstage, repeating their well known quotes that can hurt me so badly when I’m weak, rehearsing their mimics that are so exaggerated and absurd especially if there’s no theatrical scenery of illusions and no costumes of lies. For once I saw them for what they are…they are not me, but they try to make me believe they are my righteousness, my protection, my best way to control my destiny, they are not me but they want me to embrace their identity. So many times, I just try to escape, to run into the light or, stupidly run into a deeper darkness made of numbness and isolation from others and from my own feelings. This time, strong from my decision, I stared in the eyes of my own messed up nature. It was hard to admit to myself I was really thinking these ugly thoughts… and I wasn’t even “doing” anything… but I believe that just “thinking” is already an impacting action that can change your heart into something good or bad and from your heart, actions and words come out. I have been honest, with myself… honest… I realized there are no advantages to deny my darkness as they are there anyway troubling me. Honesty gives me the power to expose my darkness and fight them to the roots, shutting down again and again if needed the mumblings, tearing apart the costumes, breaking into pieces the theatre!
I even pushed my decision further and I talked with one of my best friends about these thoughts, exposing myself even more by saying them out-loud… It took me some guts even if I knew that my friend would welcome me with compassion and wouldn’t be scared by this ugly side of me…well did I really know? I think I hoped and believed in her love more than the certainty of what she would accept or not. That was another step of honesty, a risky one, but one I wanted to make at this point. Can honesty be also a trigger for deeper bond between friends? I think so. I want to be someone others can rely on, someone you know is honest and doesn’t try to prove anything, someone that is crying if sad and laughing if happy, someone that expresses gestures of love with no restraint and will express disappointment or anger with the same care for my family, a care synonym to honesty.
I once knew a man who’s pale blue eyes never revealed the depth of his heart or thoughts… I never could guess if he was really happy, sad or angry…I could only fear those eyes not knowing if I could trust them…blue never appeared so dark to me… I will cultivate my honest eyes, so when you, my loved ones, will bless me by looking into them, you will find the real me, you will find honesty… and I will be able to see you and love you, for what you are too!
-Miss Isabel
Tags: Studio, Your Favorite Enemies
Comments (6)
Danielle
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Heyy Miss Isabel
YAYAYAYAYAY I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU BEN MY AMAZING BROTHER!!!
more than a millions points for you. 😉 LOL
sorry Miss Isabel! ;p
i can’t really answer you,
I’m still in a lost stage, having those thoughts, Those negative thoughts!!! And everything else. I’m still lost in life!!!
I know we can figure it out. It’ll just take time!
even though i couldn’t answer you!! You’re blog is amazing and love that you’re still writing! 🙂
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU MY SIS NOW AND FOREVER<3<3<3 🙂
take care of you!!
xxxYour Sis, Danielle
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Chris
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Miss Isabel, I have to admit I feel like this is your most honest blog so far!! You’re not a monster…you’re a human being and I am too!!
I totally relate to what you describe there…Darkness to face, cleaning to do on the inside… But at least you’re alive!!
I spent so much time in my life trying to play safe….But now, why not just being myself!! I believe that I am worth being loved in the better and in the worst….so my commitment to love other goes the same way!!
This is what your blog reaffirmed for me!!
Thank you for your honesty!!
Chris
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Elizabeth
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Dear Isabel!!
After reading your blog once again and reading the two comments already posted, i realized we are swimming in DEEP water now..deeper than ever before I think.. You challenge me to my core with these words and that is worth more than any treasure that could be found, because in the challenge, there are seeds of Life, and I desperately need that! We can find “easy” bursts of momentary lift in the beauty that surrounds us – a spring flower glistening in the sun, a brilliant blue sky, even a perfect parking place that seems to magically appear, the unexpected smile of a stranger, warm words from a friend – and that is WONDERFUL – but to find sustaining strength, we need to go deeper, and the “battlefield” advice you have lived and share here can help lift me to the next level, I believe. I know that I need to guard my thoughts – i agree with you completely that simply “thinking is already impacting acting that can change your heart” and that simply entertaining thoughts (both dark and light) can somehow change the “atmosphere” around us, as you describe so vividly in your portrayal of the scene from the studio. I TRY to fight that battle – to push down the thoughts that come from those “half-cut, crawling poisonous roots” lying in wait in the depths of my own heart. They can be resurrected by the simplest things, and I can be stunned by the power they still carry…but what I have not done in many areas is face them “square on”, and I am promising myself to do that in the near future, not only with myself, but in the company of others dear to me, which as you say, takes even more courage and trust. I had an incredible experience during a YFE concert – miracles can happen in that kind of “space” – which opened my eyes to one area and allowed me to face it and find significant healing, so I know what can happen and how redeeming and freeing it can be! i have much hope for the future as I mine deeper…please pray for me! You can be sure that I am always praying for you dear one, and for all of this YFE family!!
MUCH love, admiration and respect always..(which remains undiminished by anything you feel led to share with us! you only strengthen it with your honesty and trust) mom e
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Vanessa
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I can totally relate to this blog… I constantly have to battle with those dark thoughts telling me that I am not truely loved, that I should be jealous of others and that I am not enough… those thoughts fuel my anger which result in me isolating myself making sure that I am not though shell to crack… at that moment you can’t reach me and my actions become destructive… in the long run all it does is make those thoughts seem more real because I justify them…. when they were never actually real in the first place… its a battle I have lost many times… its a choice to face them… and it takes courage because its never pretty to admit those thoughts… it always makes me feel dirty and mean..
I am willing to take that journey with you my sister! I love you and I am so pround of you!! 🙂
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Marcel B.
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It always inspires me to read how you find the strength to write about such things! You’re a true inspiration for me and i’m really glad that you’re a part of my life! I experienced in the last days as well, how good it feels to be honest.
I often was afraid of being honest, because on the one hand i was afraid to get hurt by other people and on the other hand i wa afraid of what they could think about me…
But it’s more then that because we also need to be honest to ourselves this is something i need to work on. Because illusions often seem to be more beautiful then the reality…
But a precious friend told me that i need to be honest to honor the people in my life.
And i tried it and i feel better and more free then before. Of course it’s not always easy, but it’s the best way.
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Mary
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“surprisingly we didn’t talk anymore about making that journey, instead we restlessly immersed ourselves in the song”
Reading those words was like a mirror, they made me think of the way I react at the starting point of a new journey I wish to take, after exposing my desires or sometimes desperation. Made me want to recognize where I put my trust. So often I spend my time rethinking and analysing, tormenting myself with different thoughts that all lead to fear and doubt for the future…
This simple sentence reminds me that the answer and the strength always comes when we trusts and let go, once we expose our true desire and that you move on in peace in living what is in front of you.
Thank you for sharing Miss Isabel! 😉
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