Where Did We Lose Each Other Where can I find myself…

Where Did We Lose Each Other
Where can I find myself…

Blogging has been a part of my life for more than 4 years now. I’ve been through all kinds of periods, emotions and I believe my writing has evolved, mutated and enabled my growth. I kinda think though that now is time for me to push myself beyond the established borders of this written world of mine. Can I explore the depth of my being and bring whatever I may find to the surface, to you and to my own conscience? Why would I do that? This question just reveals how I live some of the fears of what I may find down there. As I try to answer, I can very well see that by first being true to myself to the core of my soul and then by exposing myself, only powerful things can happen. still it’s scary…

I wish I had a much bigger faith so I wouldn’t have any hesitation before jumping, but my faith is small, small enough though to assure me that once I’ll dig in I’ll find something that was placed there on purpose, a bigger purpose than I can imagine or try to control, placed for my destiny to be meaningful. There are not many things that crack me open. Years and years of self defense made my heart a very well guarded fortress, so well guarded that I can’t even easily see what’s going on there!lol Thanks to all of you and the faithful love of my family, I have torn down many walls and unlocked many doors, but I am now facing a new invitation to release more of who Miss Isabel really is.

Lately, we have been filming a video series about Where Did We Lose Each Other, videos that will be online every Monday on our Website. As this particular song has been a major turning point for us as a band and as individuals, we decided to explore more about the song, the lyrics, the reasons behind the french part, the context in which it has been created and recorded, etc. It’s such an amazing way to explore this song for you and for us at the same time. For me, it’s not easy to do that kind of interview. It requires you to dive into the song, to make the lyrics your own, live it all and then expose what you’re living. The first few times I read the lyrics I didn’t want to let them sink in me…to my eyes they were dark, I didn’t want to bear the pain I saw in them, I didn’t want any of the shame that they shone a light on, I saw in them an attack on the status quo I was comfortable with. I didn’t want to put words on what I try to forget and deny. So I barely scratched the surface of what this song is all about… but now it’s not enough. As my band mates offer the best of their gut feeling about it, I can share just enough not to clash with them, true feelings yes, but those easy ones on the surface, those that are not so ugly to expose or those which won’t create much reaction, rejection or will establish forever in the open a reality I don’t want to face.

I may look like a deep person… sharing beautiful words… but I stop myself below the surface. I’m not deep. What does it mean to really expose myself, to really love you enough to rise my level of engagement? I do want to be a sister to all of you, a sister that you can count on and refer to in good times and bad times. I’m not that for you yet not because I don’t love you, but because I am not yet totally open to you…why? Because I fear what’s inside of me. I’m not even totally open to myself! But the surface doesn’t satisfy me anymore and I can’t accept my missing out on life close to you.

I believe that in my life I’m always put in a situation where I can grow and win. It’s really up to me to grasp those occasions and stretch myself to reach and possess what is already mine. So I take the Where Did We Lose Each Other video series as my opportunity to crack my heart open, to expose what’s in it and believe that whatever I will find will either be healed and transformed or will powerfully shine and bring us closer. Sounds more exciting than scary now…

So for the next few weeks, I’ll be going deeper in my own vision and heart about the subject of the interview. Thank you for taking this journey with me.

-Miss Isabel

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Comments (5)

  • Tobiatk

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    Miss Isabel, when you say "years and years of self defense" do you mean Karate? lolNo seriously i know what you mean.I hide my emotions deep inside of me every day. No one see's the pain and anguish i keep locked in a dark part of me that my illness brings me.On the outside i am strong, a the inside i am a wreck.Its hard to expose ourselves to the ones we love, especially after hiding for so long, but expose our selves is what we must do, be heard, and don't let anything hold us back.

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  • Samantha

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    Hey ma belle soeur! (trying this again lol) I SO know what you are saying with this whole going deeper to expose and share yourself.. I have been doing a lot of digging within myself lately as well. There were things that I either thought I had an understanding of within myself or accepted as a "fact" only to find out I had only scratched the surface. There were events from my past that I thought I was "over" but it turned out that they still had a grip on me.. but when I finally faced them.. like REALLY dealt with them head on.. it was scary and emotional at first but in the end I was finally able to find peace. I didn't do it alone though, I had wonderful people supporting me along the way. There were also things about the way I interact in certain situations that I thought were just "the way it is" and would be there no matter what.. but lately I've been learning how to face my fears and deal with my life more powerfully. It has been a pretty crazy 2 months and this is really just the beginning of my discovery and transformation. One thing I do have to say in repsonse to you saying that your faith is just small right now.. DON'T wait for it to grow.. if you sit around waiting life will just pass you by.. the best way to grow faith in yourself and strength to take on bigger obsticles is to take action! I know you can do this, sister! I have enough faith in you to go around 😉 You're stronger than you know and I (among many others) will be there by your side every step of the way! I look forward to continuing this journey together and sharing our victories and missteps along the way. I love you so much!! <3

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  • Mary Beth's mom

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    Hi PRECIOUS Isabel!!!!I drank in every word of this diary and savored the courageous and loving flavor with joy and deep admiration and vibrant hope!!! I don't mean to be critical at all, but i felt that your diaries had become more "surface" over the past few months, perhaps as you were seeking the courage to bare your soul and carry us into a new level of freedom with you! I want especially encourage you today – there is NO key that unlocks prisons for ourselves and others like facing our own darkness and mistakes in the "open" and sharing what we have learned from these experiences, illuminating the path we traveled from our darkest moments and into Light. There are so many who are floundering – so many who have invited tragedy into their lives through choices made (me included) – to see you clearly standing on the "other side" of particular challenges, your footsteps through and out of similar dark valleys shining for all to see and follow – that will have a healing and transforming power the world needs desperately. You know I have always told you that you are my hero, and that feeling has only increased over the years of our relationship. I admire you more than you could ever know – I always have and I always will!!! Just as Dina said in her comment, "take the plunge – you'll find the water isn't as dark and cold as you think!" – I am very sure she is right! And Cassandra makes a good point too – it is certainly possible to expose yourself in a way that is damaging, especially when the actions of others are closely integrated to your own actions and motivations (which is almost always the case). "Exposure" in these circumstances needs to be a carefully balanced "team project", as I'm sure you know. I believe in you personally, in YFE and in this family as a whole and I know I always will!!I love you!!!! oceans of prayers!!! mom e

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  • Cassandra Bailey

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    Hello Miss Isabel – I think you have a lot of courage and willingness to expose yourself. Does going deeper help you? If so that's great. We can all learn from you. I too think we can always grow and win from any (well, most) situation but I also think that we can expose too much of ourselves and by cracking ourselves open, get cracked on the head in return. My old lady advice to you is to expose as much as you like but only if you benefit and it helps you. Don't do it only because it might help others and hurt you. I love reading what you write. I think, as I hope you know, you are a terrific, joyous, loving, kind person. It's my joy to know you. You are one of the most patient, accepting and giving people I have ever known. You don't have to write about what's in your heart for us to know it. You show what's in your heart in everything you do!

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  • Dina Arsenault

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    I so "get" what you are saying. Truly exposing yourself is one of the scariest but most liberating things one can do for and by themselves. Like you I existed in my world by creating walls to protect myself from all the pain I was experiencing. It was so much easier to be numb, at least I wasn't hurting, right? But what I discovered was that I wasn't truly living but merely existing. I made a conscience choice to not do that anymore. It hasn't been easy, I am still working on it, but I can truly say because of it, small pockets of time where I relaxed and just allowed myself to just be lead to me having some profound experiences like CMW 2011. Those 4 days will forever be etched in my heart as one of the most moving, uplifting and joyful times of my life. I have never been the same since. So what I am trying to say is, take all the time you need my love, we will be here for as long as it takes, take the plunge, you'll find the water isn't as dark and cold as you think….luv you sister!! xxoo

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